It’s All In Your Head

You haven’t slept. You just don’t sleep anymore. A common symptom of perimenopause, according to your endless Google searches. You know that now, but months ago, when you mentioned the insomnia to your primary care physician, she simply told you that you’d probably sleep better if you lost weight and exercised more, then offered to write you a prescription for an antidepressant.

You finally sleep, but then wake up to find a dead body next to you in the bed. You call 9-1-1, and the operator asks you the name and age of the deceased. You say you don’t know, that you don’t know anything about them. How’d they get in your bed? the operator asks.

You say you don’t know that either. And then you say what you really want to know: Is waking up next to a dead person yet another symptom of perimenopause that no one tells you about? The operator hangs up, and once again, you turn to Google. If your mother were still alive, she’d tell you to stop Googling every little symptom, would say you’re a hypochondriac. You think back on how your mother prepared you for kindergarten, walking you to the classroom a few days before school started so that you’d know where to go, what to expect. How it ended up being the wrong classroom.

You find an online doctor who can meet with you right away, and you tell her it’s not just the insomnia, but that you’ve also grown extra fingers, extra toes. And you say that you’re not sure, but you think a tail might be sprouting, too—you can feel a nub. On the computer screen, the doctor nods, says uh-huh, uh-huh, then tells you not to worry at all. At your age, she says, that’s all very normal. You wait for her to say something more, to elaborate or offer suggestions for relief, but she just shrugs and says to make another appointment if you have any further concerns.