Reality TV Stars Circling the Cosmic Drain

Recordings from the black box have been confirmed:

All seven missing Reality Stars have indeed drifted beyond
the good graces of our galaxy, and yes, the rumors are true,

the Captain of the Starship Constellation has literally—
so to speak—left the station,

leaving the production crew to figure out what to do
with the infamous snark-monster, the holier-than-thou
North Star of the cast, Princess Peaches,

and her juiced-up, whiny-ass TV showmance dude,
who calls himself Bro, like it’s his actual name—

and the rest of them, the whole ding-dong crew
when they hear the champagne has run out,
then, so much worse, when they find

the cache of steak knives

and lobster forks, along with two handguns
and the final three bottles of top-shelf liquor—

talk about high drama for the reunion episode!

Next thing they know, these seven Stars spiral
adrift, hopelessly lost in space, drunk and high and
armed to the teeth, and now staring down
the epic mouth of a black hole,

until finally
they can’t help but face the furious troll armies
charging from the void, their hydra-headed onslaughts of acid-
tongued assaults, priming these unstable Stars for ultimate collapse,
condemning them to sail a waterless sea for eternity.

For a time, some of these forgotten Stars
will stubbornly pulse infinitesimal light as they remain

in character, still dubious about whether
their time has truly run out—as they circle
the cosmic drain, dim signals still winking

from their exiled positions in some other
planet’s night sky, as they attempt to deny
the undeniable force of this
black hole,

their sad fate already realized, way back when producers
named this intergalactic cruise ship
the U.S.S
Erasure.

Which, as everyone on Earth
already knows

is just another way to say
canceled