and listen, if megan wants to act like she doesn’t know me, that’s fine, but if she thinks she can parade around in her slutty church dress and act like she’s better than the rest of us, she’s got another thing coming, as soon as i get out of this grody hospital i’m going to expose her for the slut she is, once a whore, always a whore, as the saying goes, i would know, i’ve known her since second grade, back when she used to bully me, or so she claims, when in reality i was the one who bullied her, one time years later she came to me crying and apologizing for bullying me, and i didn’t know what to say because it wasn’t even true, so i said megan, shut up and stop crying, you weren’t even prettier than me then, how could you have bullied me, and she said but remember when i told jake gallagher you thought he was gross even though you had a crush on him, and i said yeah, but remember when i told you sniffing sharpies would make your boobs grow and you did it until your mom told you you were killing brain cells, and she said yeah, that really hurt, and i said, not as much as when you lied to jake, and she said well remember when you told everyone i had lice and no one would sit next to me for a month, and i said well, in my defense, i really did think you had lice, but remember when you filled my mascara bottle with superglue at clare bell’s slumber party, and everyone made fun of me because i could barely open my eyes for a week, and she said no, but i’m sorry anyway, and i said i’m sorry too, and we cried

but the point is now she thinks she’s all high and mighty, with her cheap ironed curls and her altar’d state jeans, now she goes to church twice a week, which is just psycho behavior, i mean, god didn’t take two sabbaths, so why should you, now my mother says that fairfax girl, why can’t you be more like her, like she conveniently forgot about all the times she caught usdrinking walmart whiskey in my room, or stealing eye shadow from her medicine cabinet, or crashing her car on our way back from a college party at four a.m., now she thinks megan is amazing grace and salvation incarnate, the lost sheep returning to the shepherd, a prime example of how the lord works in mysterious ways

but what my mother doesn’t know is that megan’s been sick lately, she’s been throwing up in the bathroom at school, and i’ve done the math, it was june when she left for church camp, i mean can you believe she was still a whore as recently as four months ago, like does she really think she can get away with this faux bible barbie look, one summer at jesus camp is not enough to go from a three-hole golf course to mother teresa, just the other week i saw her in the science wing preaching to cindy about the sanctity of marriage, as if cindy gives a shit, she’s the biggest slut of us all, she downs plan b like candy, but she’s better at hiding it than we are, she always has been, boys look at her and think she’s so innocent with her big dumb eyes and parted lips, it’s only us girls who can sniff her out, she’s slept with half of the men’s lacrosse team and they all think they’re her first time, meanwhile she’s about as ran through as the i-20 at rush hour

anyway as i was saying, i found megan vomiting up her guts yesterday in the bathroom before gym class, and at first i thought, she’s become a bulimic, which wouldn’t surprise me, she’s always been jealous of me for that, for being skinny as a number two pencil, it was about time it finally got to her, not even the tenth commandment could keep her from coveting, but like, i get it, i’m hot, what’s not to covet, plus it’s not like i haven’t ever been jealous of her either, megan’s had huge boobs since the sixth grade, boys would reach over in class and snap her bra strap, they never did that to me, still didn’t even after i discovered padding, although I don’t wear it so much anymore because it’s hard to forget the look of fresh horror on a boy’s face when he undresses you and finds only cotton where fat should be, i’m speaking about tyler j specifically, i haven’t spoken to him since we hooked up sophomore year, the sex wasn’t even that good, i could tell he felt cheated the whole time, and it’s not fair because it’s not like a guy would be expected to wear padding down there, so there’s no opportunity for me to feel cheated, but god forbid a woman try to make herself look nicer than she does, this is what men mean when they say women are liars, that we pretend like we’re sexier than we really are, meanwhile when women say men are liars what we mean is that they tell us they love us while they fuck our best friends, and as for which is the worse offense, you tell me

so i push open the stall door, which is unlocked, and i see megan bent over the toilet, and she turns around and screams, and there’s a little puke on her lips, which is gross but understandable, and i’m like, so are you bulimic now or what, and she’s like, go away, rachel, and i’m like, it’s okay, you don’t have to deny it, i know you’ve always been jealous of me, I can’t help that i have a fast metabolism and can eat raising cane’s with mayo every weekend and not gain an ounce, but that doesn’t mean you have to hate your body, because no matter how hard you try you’ll never have mine, and she’s like, i don’t want your body, and i’m like, suit yourself, but your lunch is dissolving in the toilet as we speak, so we’ll just both know what we know, and then i look down and notice that she’s wearing a bright pink peplum top, like the kind our mothers wear, and even though megan’s saved or whatever now she would still never ever wear something that fugly, i mean, have some self-respect, so i’m like, where did you get your outfit from, megan, the maternity section of jc penney, and i see megan’s entire expression change, i mean she looks like she’s going to throttle me with her bare, chubby hands, and then something occurs to me, and i think, holy fuck, megan, are you pregnant

and megan flushes the toilet and runs out of the stall, and i follow her, but then gym class starts and mr gutcho makes us line up for volleyball, even though i still have to pee, and he puts megan and i on opposite teams, and the whole time we’re playing i’m thinking, holy shit, megan fairfax is fucking pregnant, and my mind races back in time until i remember her rolling around with heath callaway at alison’s party, before they stumbled into the bathroom and locked the door, heath from the badminton team, two years younger than us, a freshman when we were juniors, who megan was obsessed with for months before they finally fucked, but the timing doesn’t add up, alison’s party was at least six months ago, before the summer, which means for megan to be pregnant now they must have done something after she came back from camp, which means, which means

and i can’t get that image out of my head, of megan and heath flopping on alison’s floor like dying fish, megan preaching about saving for marriage while fucking heath callaway, megan being pregnant with heath’s baby, does heath know about this, does anyone know about this, and then, in the middle of my pondering, the volleyball hits me square in the eye, and I fall backwards and bang my head against the gym floor, and everything goes dark

*

what most people don’t know about megan is that she used to be a lesbian, in middle school she would make out with girls at sleepovers all the time, it started as a dare one night for her to kiss shawna on the lips, and then she started kissing every girl who would let her, but i never let her kiss me, that’d be disgusting, the only reason no one knows that here at acton is because the districts were redrawn before high school, so we’re the only ones from our middle school who go here now, apart from randy lee, who’s on the robotics team and irrelevant, and i’m a true friend, i’ve kept all of megan’s secrets, but not anymore, she doesn’t deserve my silence now, just as soon as i get out of this goddamn hospital the whole world is going to know the truth

it was eighth grade when i said to megan, look, we need to up our game, we’re going to a new school where nobody knows us and now’s our chance to reinvent ourselves, we were never popular, you see, we didn’t have what the popular girls had, their money and their pto mothers and their school spirit, but we had something else, something we could create for ourselves, and that was sex appeal

it worked almost too well, the moment we stepped in school we had all the senior boys wrapped around our fingers, we wore men’s shirts and sheer black stockings, the shirts borrowed from megan’s dad’s closet, of course we got dress coded on the first day, but that only increased our infamy, our names were on everyone’s lips, and even though people whispered nasty things there was always an undercurrent of either jealousy or respect, like we knew the game before anyone else was even playing, even the junior and senior girls would give us the stink eye, we were ahead of the curve in every respect, and it’s all because of my masterminding, everyone knew i was the leader and megan was my sidekick, like, i made that bitch, she would be nothing without me, and for her to just decide to abandon me, after all these years together, i mean, it’s not like it really matters to me, i carry my own weight, i’m completely self-sufficient as far as anyone’s concerned, but it’s not a good look when your friend betrays you and starts acting like she’s the next virgin mary, now everyone acts all smug around me, like i’ve lost a war or something, but in reality i’ve won, megan wasn’t strong enough, she couldn’t handle all the scrutiny, all the jealousy, and especially all the hate, all the rumors and whispers and roaches set loose in our lockers and anonymous notes in glittery purple ink telling us to die, but i can, i can take it all, i’ve taken the virginities of half the boys in our grade, and that’s what you get when you survive, you get power, there’s no one i couldn’t subdue with half a smile and an exposed collarbone, i know secrets about everyone in this school, i’ve fucked my way out of hell, i’ve even fucked my way out of getting held back, last year i was failing trigonometry, biology, and history and i needed to fix things before my mother got wind of it, now the amateur thing to do would have been to fuck the trigonometry, biology, and history teachers, but i’m no amateur, i’m a professional, and besides my trig teacher was a woman anyway, i mean, no disrespect to ms hanna, but i wasn’t about to put my tongue inside a vagina like a wet ziploc bag, it grosses me out just thinking about it, no, the pro move is to fuck the school guidance counselor, because he’s the one in charge of compiling report cards, the only problem is there’s no opportunity to see him since he doesn’t teach, so what i do is i schedule an appointment with him in the admin office, under the guise of being worried about failing junior year, and on the day of the appointment I go to his office, and i meet him, his name is mr clemens, he’s actually not too old, maybe late thirties, early forties, and he has framed photos of his wife and kids, there are two of them, kids i mean, not wives, and mr clemens has a kind face, wrinkles around his blue eyes, and I almost don’t want to do what i’ve set out to do, but i’ve come this far, i’ve never backed down before, i always commit one hundred percent, and he asks me, what can i do for you, ms lannery, so i bite my lip and tell him i’ve been worried about my grades, i’m failing three of my classes, i don’t want to get held back while everyone else gets to be a senior and go to prom and graduate, and he looks understanding, and he says, i’m glad you’re taking initiative, ms lannery, have you spoken to your teachers about extra credit assignments, and i say, no, i was hoping you could help me instead, and he says, i’m not sure what you mean, and i tug at my top so it slips off my shoulder, just enough so he can see my bra, which is pale pink and lacy, and mr clemens starts trembling, like he’s never been in this situation before, and he says, what are you doing, ms lannery, and in response i take off my shirt entirely, stretching my body as i pull it over my head so he can see my tits bob up and down like apples in a barrel of water, i’ve spritzed my mother’s lavender perfume in a spot between my breasts, older men go crazy for lavender, and mr clemens’ eyes are glistening, like he’s about to cry, so i walk behind his desk and sit on his lap and touch his neck, i say, it’s okay, i won’t say a word, and i can feel him shaking, and there’s a long silence, and he looks at the door, and at this point i’m ready to abort mission, to walk out and pretend like nothing happened, but then he grips my arm with his hand, he says, maybe there’s something i can do, and then he starts unbuckling his pants, and i don’t have the heart to let him fuck me, i just don’t, so i give him a blowjob instead, and all the while i can feel his wife and two kids looking at me from the framed photos on his desk, his kids are young, maybe four and eight, and his wife is a beautiful natural blonde, who looks like she votes republican and bakes a mean pecan pie, and his dick tastes like old peaches, slightly sweet, and after he finishes i wipe my mouth and mr clemens zips up his pants and says, i’ll see what i can do, ms lannery, and i don’t say anything, i just put my shirt back on and bolt, i run out of the admin office and to the girls’ bathroom on the second floor, where i stay for the rest of the day until the buses arrive

obviously if megan keeps the baby, i won’t need to expose her for the pregnancy because her belly’s going to swell until not even a peplum can hide it, she’s going to drop out of school and everybody’s going to know, but what i’m worried about is that she’s going to abort it, which is of course against everything she’s been preaching about, the sanctity of life and all that, but which would also erase the proof of her pregnancy, which is why i need to expose her now, while she’s still pregnant, for being a hypocrite, for acting like she’s better than us when she’s the dirtiest little slut of us all, she might not get as many boys as cindy or me but she’s the one who’s gotten knocked up, and like i say, fucking is nothing, once it’s over it’s almost like it never happened, no harm done, nothing gained or lost, that’s why virginity isn’t real, but a baby is another thing altogether, it’s only the girls who don’t know what they’re doing who end up like that, and that’s what megan is, a try-hard, a wannabe, she thinks she’s better than the rest of us but in reality she only left because she couldn’t get on our level, which is worse, it’s so much worse to be a coward and switch sides than to double down and stick to your guns, to stand tall and power through even when you’ve been beaten till you have nothing left, and that’s what i’ve always done, i’ve made my fair share of mistakes but at least i own them, at least i’m still here, proud as ever, a woman of my own making, no one can take that from me

*

when i get back to school everyone’s talking about something, and at first i think it’s my concussion, or maybe they’ve all found out about megan and heath, and damned good if they do, that’s less work for me, but when i ask cindy she tells me they’re talking about samantha olds, and i say what’s wrong with samantha olds, and cindy says, she’s pregnant

and samantha olds is the soon-to-be valedictorian, a classic teacher’s pet, honor roll student, she wears cardigans and ugly mary janes, i never paid much attention to her, the only reason people care about her is because both her parents are council members and her whole family went to princeton, including her brothers, which is sort of a big deal in this town, most of the rest of us come from plumbers or construction workers or the like, but the olds are a different stock entirely, the parents came here because they wanted to run for state office and they thought a small town would be a good place to start their political careers, to gain the trust of the common people, even though they don’t pick up the phone at city council, and everybody knows samantha’s going to get into princeton and become a lawyer or congresswoman and make some difference in the world, or at least make it farther than the rest of us, who will be stuck in this town forever

and i think, fuck you, samantha olds, for getting pregnant, because now who’s going give a shit about megan, now the news is dead, the rumor mill saturated with pregnancy stories, and what’s more, people will think i’m lying, it’s too convenient, they’ll think i got the idea after seeing what happened to samantha, even though of course i’m not that stupid, i mean not that pregnancy is that uncommon at acton, but there’s usually just one per school year, which is always the big news of the year, and two would be overkill, they’ll think i’m just being an asshole, even though i’m a truth-teller, i’ll say, remember when megan hooked up with heath at alison’s party, you all saw it, didn’t you, they were groping each other in plain sight, high off their minds, they fucked in alison’s bathroom, megan and heath, and they didn’t stop there, they kept fucking even after she fooled you all into thinking she’s saved, they’re probably fucking right now as we speak, and then for transparency i’ll add, i’m not doing this out of jealousy, not at all, i don’t want heath, i mean he’s cute and all, but he’s too young for me, too wholesome, i don’t go for guys who are too good for me to take down, i have integrity, that’s the difference between me and megan, she has no moral code, she was the one who brought heath to the party, she convinced him to do acid even though i told her not to, i told her just because she’s a liberated woman doesn’t mean she can go around fucking just anybody, there are boundaries, and she told me i was being a pussy, and she told me about how much she wanted to fuck him, all the things she would do to his body, so much so that it disturbed even me, i tried to explain to her that he’s just a kid, that you shouldn’t mess around with a freshman, and besides he’s one of the good ones, he’s never said anything nasty about us, i tell her there are people who are born lucky and there are people who have to toil with what they’ve got, and we should leave each other well enough alone, but megan insisted, and who was i to tell her what to do, i’m not jesus after all, so she pursued him, she convinced him to come to the party, to do acid, she took his virginity that night, and it must have been around a month ago when she got pregnant, and he has to be the father, because no one else would have been able to keep her secret, especially not after her quote unquote salvation, but heath is innocent enough that he would go along with it, megan is insecure, as i’m sure you can tell, she’ll do anything for attention, even if it means pretending to be holier than thou, which is how i know she’s lying to all of you, and i don’t expect you to take my word for it so easily, i know what you all think of me, but i know megan better than anyone else in the world, and the reason she’s changed isn’t because she’s consummated her marriage to jesus christ, it’s because she knew she’d done something she shouldn’t have when she corrupted heath and she needed a cover, and now she’s going to have an abortion, she’s going to commit the worst sin of all right under your noses and you fools won’t suspect a thing

and then i see megan during free period, that same day, standing on a picnic table in the courtyard, preaching about samantha olds, she says samantha didn’t know the lord, that’s why she succumbed to satan’s temptations, and all the hardcore christians are gathered around her, listening, even clapping, some of them, and none of it surprises me, everyone around here thinks they’re a christian, but when the time comes to really be there for somebody, to love thy neighbor and all that, they don’t do shit, for example i was out of school for two days with a concussion, which isn’t that much time, but you would think more people than just my doctor would have called to ask how i was doing, like maybe, i don’t know, one of the boys who, after a hot night, whispered his deepest fears and desires into my ear, like isaiah, who cried about how his dad denied that he had ever beaten him, or mark, who told me he wished his grandmother would die so that his family could get her inheritance, and other secrets i’ll take with me to the grave, or even jason, who told me as recently as last month that i was the only girl he ever loved, though apparently jason is dating emma g now, which is all well and good for him if he likes dry flaky pussy, i mean have you seen her hair these days, but the point is you would think at least somebody would have taken note and brought me flowers and a card, because wasn’t mary magdalene a prostitute, didn’t jesus accept her as his own, in fact wasn’t she the one who saw him rise on the third day, right there over his tomb as she wept, so where’s the sympathy for me, and as for megan, a newly god-fearing evangelist, why didn’t she come see me, her best fucking friend of twelve years, who slid a tampon up her vagina when she was too scared to after getting her period the first time, who stole birth control pills from the doctor for her, who helped her practice driving even though she’s a shit driver and almost got us killed on four separate occasions, i mean, she saw me hit the ground during volleyball, didn’t she, she could have at least run up to check on me, even if just to recite a bible verse, i would have taken even that, all my life i’ve never expected anything from anyone else, not even my own mother, who tells me daily that i don’t deserve anyone’s help anyway, which is true, i’ve never done anything to deserve it, but still, isn’t being a christian about helping the people who least deserve it, so I just want to say, fuck this town, fuck these people, fuck samantha olds, and most of all, fuck megan fairfax

so that’s why before third period i go to the sophomore wing, i wait in front of the chemistry lab until i see heath approaching around the corner, and i smile at him, and i say, hey heath, did you know, you’re going to be a father, and heath looks at me, and he says excuse me, and i say, megan fairfax is pregnant, and he says, what, and i say, megan is pregnant with your baby, and he keeps staring at me, and i stare back at him, and i feel like i’m going to fall into his eyes, which are just as innocent as I remember, so brown i think i might drown in them, and then the bell rings

*

samantha olds hasn’t shown up to school since the rumors started, i heard her parents have gone berserk, we’re probably going to get a city-wide PSA on abstinence sometime soon, either that or some new suggested policies on abortion, which the town will not take kindly to at all, it could cost them the reelection, and there’s nothing samantha’s parents care more about than reelection, which means samantha is going to be a mother after all, and if that doesn’t tell you how this town feels about that sort of thing, the fact that samantha’s parents would rather deal with a baby at their age than let their daughter get an abortion, then i don’t know what will

the latest a woman can get an abortion here is six weeks, but if megan’s already trying to hide her belly then she must be further along than that, which means her only option will be to get the abortion illegally, which gives me an idea, and i can’t believe i didn’t think of this before, which is that instead of telling everyone megan is pregnant, i’m going to tell everyone that she had an abortion, an abortion is a totally different story than a pregnancy, and arguably a better one in this case, because if she has one, then the rumor will be true and even megan won’t be able to hide it for long under so much inquiry, and even if she tries to construe it as a miscarriage, which i don’t put past her, there will always be doubt, a dark cloud following her all across town, and if, on the other hand, she doesn’t have an abortion, then of course she’ll have the baby, so everyone will know i was right about the pregnancy, and that megan’s a manipulative, hypocritical bitch, and it’ll be over for her, for real this time, because after that no one will have her, not the christians, not the boys at school, no one wants a lying knocked-up christian whore, and it will be the end of megan fairfax

mark’s having a party this weekend, which is where i’ll plant the rumor, everyone’s going to be there, except megan of course, and i’ll make sure there isn’t a single person in that house who doesn’t know about megan, but while i’m getting ready for the party my mother comes into my room, she doesn’t even knock, and says where do you think you’re going dressed like the town harlot, and i say, to bed, and she says i’m not an idiot, rachel, but you might be if you think you can sneak past me like that, and i say it’s worked before, and my mother, who has always been this way, she says, everyone knows you’re a whore, rachel, do you ever think of me, of how difficult it is for me to face the other women in this town, knowing my daughter’s a hussy while their daughters are class presidents and pageant queens, and i say their daughters are hussies, too, their mothers just don’t know it, and my mother says then why do they all know about you, and i say i don’t know, mother, maybe because at least i have the integrity to be who i am, in public and in private, i’m not two-faced, unlike some people, i’m exactly who the lord made me and proud of it too, and my mother says, the lord didn’t make you, girl, the devil did, and i say, i guess that means you’re the one who fucked him, and then my mother slaps me across the face so hard it makes my ears ring, and she drags me by my hair into her room, which locks from the outside, and she locks me inside, though i know that she knows i can undo it, and in my mind’s eye i can see her, fishing her car keys out of her purse, as she’s done so many times, and when she goes to bed in my room she’ll put the keys under her pillow, so that i can’t break out and take the car, and she’ll cry herself to sleep, and i won’t be there to hold her because she’s locked me inside her bedroom, but i won’t cry for her, she raised me to be stronger than that, only she’s allowed to cry, so instead i’ll burrow myself between her sheets, which are warm and smell of her, and lie half-awake, dreaming of milk

so that plan fails, but then i remember the next day is sunday, which means church, where i haven’t stepped foot in years, not even my mother goes regularly, but megan will be there, and a new plan forms, and i resolve to go to bed early so i can wake up for church the next day, which i have to say is a thought that’s never crossed my mind in my goddamn life

in the morning i try the door, which is now unlocked, and i go to my room and pick out the churchiest clothes i own, a long-sleeved blouse and jacket, an ugly purple skirt with tights, and i make sure to cover every inch of skin, so that i look like a poor man’s queen elizabeth, and when i go down to breakfast i find my mother in the kitchen, and she stares at me, and i tell her i’ve thought about what she said, maybe megan was right after all, let’s go to church today, maybe something will click this time, and i can tell my mother doesn’t believe me, but who is she to deny taking me to church, so we go, and when we get there everyone stares at me, my teachers at acton, the neighborhood mothers and their sons whom i’ve slept with, the school principal is there, mr clemens is there, cindy who gives me the side eye is there, nobody expected to see me, and i can tell some of them are wondering if this was megan’s doing, if she somehow managed to convert me, but i ignore them all, i walk proudly down the aisle, let them stare, i think, let them gaze at what tempted the devil, and then, finally, i see megan and her parents, in the front row, who don’t turn around, and my mother and i take a seat in the row behind her, and the service begins

and we sing hymns, we praise the coming of christ, and i remember when i used to go to church in middle school, and megan and i would burst into giggles whenever we had to sing the word come, come, thou fount of every blessing, come, come, ye saints, and the memory almost makes me smile, but then it makes me mad, though not enough to lose my patience, and i wait until after the singing, until pastor todd, who has been our pastor since i was born, and probably since this town was founded, begins preaching, and then i see him motion towards megan and megan get up from her seat, and people clap, and he says today this very special young lady whom you all know and love will lead us in prayer, and megan beams, in the frumpy yellow dress i know she hates because it totally swallows her figure, and she begins, our father who art in heaven, and that’s when i stand up, and i say, i have an announcement to make

and everyone looks at me, including megan, who sees me for the first time, and she looks me up and down, at my whole ensemble, and my mother looks at me like she might kill me in front of the whole congregation, and i clear my throat and say, i just thought that you all have a right to know who’s leading you in prayer today, my best friend, megan fairfax, and everyone looks at each other, and i continue, i’m so proud of her, of how far she’s come, and she has some very special news for you today, something i’m sure you will all be excited to hear, which is that she’s expecting, and there’s a pause, and i see megan’s parents look at each other, and i add, by which i mean, she practiced unprotected premarital sex and now suffers from the condition of an unwanted pregnancy, and at this my mother grabs my wrist and tries to yank me down into the seat, and everybody starts whispering, and pastor todd says that’s enough, child, but Megan just stares at me, like i’m the one who impregnated her, and she says, rachel, what are you talking about

and i say you’re pregnant, don’t hide it, and megan’s like, i am not pregnant, and the pastor is like, please sit down, and i say, i saw you throwing up from morning sickness in the ugliest peplum i’ve ever seen, and megan says, first of all, i don’t wear crop tops anymore, and second of all, i had period cramps that day, that’s why i was throwing up, and i’m like, you wouldn’t have come to school if they were that bad, and she says i’ve done it before, and the pastor says please stop, to both of us, and my mother is trying to wrench me out of the pew, and I say prove it then, show me your stomach, megan, and megan says excuse me, and suddenly i’m livid, and i say, cut the bullshit, if you want me to fuck off then tell me to fuck off, or to shut the fuck up, but excuse me, excuse me, that’s fucking rich, who do you think you are, talking like that, lift up your dress and show me your stomach, you lying piece of shit

and suddenly megan gets this look on her face, like she’s having a revelation, and she says, oh my gosh, rachel, you’re a lesbian aren’t you, and i’m like, what the fuck are you talking about, and she’s like, i can’t believe i never realized this, you’re in love with me, you’ve been in love with me this whole time, and i have to laugh because this is the most ridiculous thing she’s ever come up with, and i say, you are so fucking obsessed with yourself, but she says, it’s okay, rachel, you can be saved, just like i was, and i say, megan, you whore, show me you’re not pregnant, and megan says i’m not showing you my stomach, rachel, and i say, don’t call me that, call me a bitch, call me anything you like, but cut this good girl act, we both know you’re a phony and a liar and that you got pregnant with heath callaway’s baby, and megan says, I never had sex with heath callaway, and then i start to laugh, so hard i can’t stop, i have her now, i say, aha, i’ve got you now, bitch, i saw you at alison’s, there were witnesses, and some of them are in this room right now, and megan repeats, i never had sex with heath, and then, get this, she starts quoting the bible, she says, matthew four seventeen, repent of your sins and turn to god, for the kingdom of heaven is near, and i say, great, you can keep your kingdom of heaven, but you and I both know, no matter whose side you’re on, you’ve always had to follow someone, first it was me, now it’s god, or jesus, or whoever, but you’ve always been a coward, you’ve never been able to stand on your own two feet

and megan says, you’re right, rachel, for a long time i tried to be like you, I sinned alongside you, but this summer the lord spoke to me, he told me that it wasn’t really me, none of it was me, but now i’m free, through god’s grace, that’s a choice i made on my own, without you, now i’m standing on my own, and then she turns to the congregation, who are all staring, open-mouthed, dumb as flies, and megan says, ladies and gentlemen, here standing before you is my best friend, a sinner, a puppet of satan himself, but on this holy day, through the power of god, i will save her, and she raises her arms in the air, and says, surrender to the lord, rachel, repent of your sins, and even you can be redeemed

to which i respond, so it wasn’t you, megan, doing acid with heath, it wasn’t you who had a threesome with dylan and blaire junior year, it wasn’t you who got blackout drunk on tequila before every homecoming game, and she says no, not really, and i say, so those times we went skinny dipping in the woods at night, they didn’t happen, or when we accidentally dyed our hair gray in seventh grade, instead of jet black like we wanted, or in elementary school when we pretended to be horses at recess, when you got put in timeout for punching abby crenshaw when she called me ugly, none of it was real, and megan says, i didn’t say that, i don’t know, i guess at a certain point i stopped being me, and because my mother is smaller and weaker than me, and because the church is so cramped that i can smell megan’s citrus deodorant from here, I spring out of the pew, out of my mother’s grip, and i lunge for megan and knock her over and we both fall to the floor, legs kicking, and she flails her arms and kicks at me, and i grapple with her even though she’s stronger than me, and finally i grab the bottom of her dress and yank it up over her tights, and her stomach, her stomach, it’s flatter than i’ve ever seen it, it’s flatter than mine even, and megan looks so small beneath me, slimmer than she’s ever been, even her boobs look smaller, and megan says see, what did i tell you, i’m not pregnant, and at this point some of the men in the church have surrounded us, except they’re all too afraid to intervene, to grab hold of two seventeen year old girls in front of the whole congregation, and i say to megan then you aborted it, you fucking psycho, you aborted the baby, how could you, and she says i didn’t abort anything, there is no baby, there was never a baby, and i say don’t fucking lie to me, you bitch, you had sex with heath, you did all those things i said and more, and she says stop it, rachel, and i yell, you’re a liar, megan, you can deny it all you want, you may think you’ve changed, but you’ll never erase what you’ve done of your own god-given free will, and deep down, deep within that dried-out, stretched-open, used-up pussy, you’re still the little skank you always were

but at that moment, someone finally pulls me off of her, and i’m trying to scream, but all that comes out is megan, megan, megan, and they give me to my mother, who carries me, writhing and kicking, with the help of the other women, back to her car

*

once, my mother told me that women take care of men, because they’re the ones who need it most, but the only people who take care of women are other women, and it’s been true all my life, i’ve never let a man take care of me, not my father, who doesn’t exist as far as i’m concerned, not jesus, not even the boy i first let into my body, a senior when i was a freshman, who’s married now and doesn’t remember me, even him, there are things i know about him that his wife doesn’t know, even he wanted to be held, lying in bed, his head found a spot between my neck and collarbone, he buried himself there, in that sweet square of skin, breathing me in, i stroked his hair, i whispered in his ear, everything is going to be okay, and if megan were here, i would tell her, megan fairfax, not even jesus could love you more than your best friend